"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Infertility - How He Loves

This is a post that I have been wanting to make for a very long time, but I keep putting it off because its just too personal. Tonight though, I seem to have hit upon the right combination of pregnancy hormones, loneliness (my beloved is away all week and can barely even call or email), and also a desire to procrastinate from cleaning my floors that are filthy!

Most of my really close friends know that Nick and I tried for two years before we conceived. I know that I am pregnant now, but they define infertility as trying to a year and still not becoming pregnant. Anyone who has gone through this any length of time can tell you how emotionally draining it is, and I know that I didn't even have to struggle with it for as long as some people. Every month you have a very visible reminder of your failure.

I can remember days where I would feel desperately sad and frustrated, unable to concentrate on anything. There were days where I cried and cried for hours and howled in frustration and grief at My Lord. I couldn't understand why someone who was only 24, then 25, could have these problems? Wasn't I faithful? Didn't I love My Lord? Wouldn't I raise Godly children? There's no way I would be a worse mom than some of the people who I knew who were getting pregnant. Most of my friends I was so happy for, but its hard to be happy for a teenage single mother who drank during pregnancy.

My first comfort was my beloved Husband. How could I doubt the goodness of God when he gave me this man who I do not deserve? I do not deserve my husband and his unwavering patience with me and his unconditional, agape kind of love for me. He taught me the way that God loves and made it so clear to me that it wasn't a fighting kind of love, but a resting kind of love. I don't know any other way to say it. I loved to read the story of Hannah in Samuel 1, and the love that her husband had for her because I think Nick loves me that much. Its one of the clearest and most explicit examples in the bible on a husband loving his wife. "Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice... to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the LORD had closed her womb... Elkanah her husband would say to her, "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" I also liked that I didn't have to worry about my husband taking a second wife to gain children, ha!

Anyway, I can sure be long winded when I want to be! But the whole reason that I started this post was to share something that I found one day when I was particularly low and overwhelmed with misery. I was at work and I couldn't concentrate I was feeling so miserable, and I know its not right to cheat my workplace. I found this, read it many times, and it comforted me at a very low point. Maybe someday I will figure out blog brevity... but today is not that day!

"Children. I want children. Not just a baby. Not just a child. I want children. Three of them. If I were younger, I might want more, but at thirty-four three seems like a good number. Marrying a little late and moving across the country a couple of times as well as a long-running struggle to pay the rent delayed the real trying for a while.

The trying has been going on for a long time now. Not as long a many of you, but much longer than most.To no avail. No children. Not one pregnancy. I have never experienced that wonder of knowing that there is a life inside of me. Instead, there is a longing that will not be filled, that will not be diminished, that will not end this side of heaven without children to fill it.Nothing else in my life has been as baffling to me as not being able to conceive a child. My emotions hide even from myself, spilling out in tears of sadness or anger at the most inopportune times. There have been no days of real clarity, no times when a light has come on to show the way—not even a little. But the mysterious and marvelous mercy of God has convinced me of one thing in all of this—it is dark because I am in that deep, hidden place under God’s wing.

Certainly, the inability to bear children to the glory of God is due to the sinfulness of sin and its effect on all of life. It is not that God punishes us by not allowing us to give birth to the offspring we most desperately desire. It is rather that we, along with all of creation, suffer the wretched consequences of the sin of our first mother and father, Adam and Eve, compounded by the sin of all the sinners who have come after them. And that, of course, is all of us.

Since this is so, I know that, as with all of life, I must not put my trust in anything other than God, even in the provision of a child. This does not necessarily mean that I may not use a medical intervention to try to conceive a child. It does not mean that adoption is not an option to pursue. Rather, I trust that God in His mercy has given us these means as part of His redemption from the effects of the Fall.

At times the knowledge that God has given His covenant of grace to believers and their children makes not being able to have a child even more difficult to understand and bear. God has rescued me from such a desperate place and has given me such a glorious glimpse of Himself that I want, with all that is within me, to see this passed on to the next generation of my family, my children.

My heart cries out, “Why, O God, will You not answer this prayer? Why will You not do this simple thing for me and for Your own name’s sake? You do it for so many so easily. Your marvelous grace. Why not to me?” With thoughts like these, it is easy to fall into deep despair, and at times I certainly do. When this happens, God in His time and His various graceful ways, comes to me to remind me that I am not alone. He does not, as so many do, tell me that “my time will come.” He does not say that if I will just relax and not try so hard, everything will be okay. He does not say, “If you adopt a baby, you’ll get pregnant.” He does say that He is with me. He weeps with me as Jesus wept for Lazarus. He reminds me that He is good and that He can be trusted with my heart. Any doubt of that was wiped away at the Cross.

He has given His best to me, His own beautiful, beloved Child. Will He withhold any good thing from me? No, never. Is Jesus enough to make up for this aching void in my soul? I do not always feel that it is so. But it is. Jesus loves me—this I know."

-Debbie Trickett, from The True Woman by Susan Hunt

Sunday, October 25, 2009

A Spoiled Little Wannton

I'm beginning to think that all my mom does is sit around and shop for and/or make things for our little Wannton. Not that I'm complaining, I love that my sweet baby is so loved already. She's done a few really special things, and so far my favorite is that she completely refurbished my old rocking horse!!! She restained it, redid the eyes and ears, the leather harness, and the hair, and now what do you think of the end result?

As of tomorrow, I will be 16 weeks already! Can you believe it? I can hardly believe that it is passing by so quickly. My little countdown clock is already down to 168 days, and I remember when I couldn't wait for it to get down to below 200.

One of the reasons why I have been kind of MIA from the blog scene is that last week I was very sick with a virus. Thankfully it wasn't the flu or strep, but I still had to take an entire week of off work because your immune system is very weak when you are pregnant, and then this week has been so busy as I tried to play catch up at work! Then I had a class to take for work that went through today (Sunday) and its back to work tomorrow, so needless to say, I am pooped.

When I was sick, I thought that the Doctors would try to limit the medication, but oh my, they DID NOT! It was crazy. They told me to alternate Advil and Tylenol every 4 hours, then they reduced it to 3 hours. Then they prescribed me a Z-Pack. Then they told me to alternate Sudafed and Claritan every four hours. Then they told me to take Robitussin for my cough on top of all of that! I didn't really end up taking it all because I can handle a stuffy nose and a cough. I did keep taking Advil and Tylenol because its really important to keep your temperature down, but I only took the other stuff occasionally to help with sleep.

And tomorrow, its back to the old grindstone... I need to take it easy or else I'll make myself sick all over again! Why haven't all Gulf of Mexico oil and gas operations ceased for my pregnancy? :)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

What Do I Know of Holy?

The most beautiful song...


I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were might to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?

What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy? What do I know of Holy?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

My Regressing Musical Tastes

Ok, the great thing about a blog is that its yours and you can post WHATEVER you want. So I'm going to post something because I hope that someone responds and tells me that I am not alone.

I have recently begun bebopping my head to the new Miley Cyrus song, "Party in the USA" whenever I find it on the radio. I tried so hard to resist, but she's like the borg... resistance is futile! Please tell me I'm not the only 26 year old that likes a Miley song?

And Taylor Swift, she is soooo the kind of musician I would have made fun of, but secretly loved in high school a la Celine Dion. Well now I am an open Taylor Swift fan, in spite of the fact that one time, this girl - who I shall not name - scoffed at me and told me that she (Taylor Swift) was soooo high school. WHAT-EVER! She is super talented, and I LOVE her "Love Story" song. Remember when love used to be like that? Simple, boy and girl fall in love, decide they are right for one another and get married? That's how it was for Nick and I, it takes me back to an easier times.

Now its, boy and girl meet, have sex, decide that they are in love, decide to shack up, go back and forth about maybe staying together if they can get into a grad school in the same city, have a few kids together, and decide, ok, we'll get married now because I guess we are compatible enough after all we have been through. I mean... where's the romance? Seriously.

But this post is about music. I mean, in high school, I listened to the Offspring, Nirvana, Metallica, I did NOT listen to Britney or Christina, the old Mileys. Just yesterday, I had to change the channel when "Nothing Else Matters" came on the radio; I just couldn't take it! Most of Metallica's stuff sounds like noise to me now, as does all of the old Alternative/Punk/Rock groups I used to love. Anyone my age tried listening to "Strawberry" lately? Jeezums, I'm getting so old.

I've also started to really love Christian music, which even many years into becoming a Christian, I just couldn't take because I found it soooo cheesy. Do you want to know how far I've fallen? Just listen to "More Beautiful You" by Jonny Diaz, I love that song, it makes me cry every single time I hear it, and it might as well be slathered in Velveeta.

How have everyone elses' musical tastes changed since they were in high school? Is it just me? Would my cool meter raise slightly if I said that I love the Black Eyed Peas? :) JK, I feel pretty cool most of the time, except, of course, when "Party in the USA" comes on.

Monday, October 5, 2009

My Lovely Lady BUMP!

Please excuse my late bedtime hair...

13 Weeks Today!

Friday, October 2, 2009

The Results Are In!

Wannton it is! Thank you for all of your help. An intermediate name is a very important thing when you are not going to find out the sex of a baby.

The Results:
Little Wann - 1 Vote (9%)
Wannder Baby - 0 Votes
Wannton - 8 Votes (72%)
Snickadee - 0 Votes
WannaBee - 4 Votes (36%)

11 Votes Total

I'm no mathmagician, but something about those totals and and percentages don't look quite right to me... also at one point, I'm pretty sure that there was at least 1 voter for Wannder Baby. This poll was a little ghetto, but I don't think we need a recount because I am completely excited about Wannton :)

Other Cute Intermediate Names I've Heard:
Tiffany and Brady - Tibby
The Vanns - MiniVann
The Gribnaus - Griblet

So fun!

Pure and Undefiled Religion

Total Pageviews